Attachment styles are formed with the patient's caregiver during childhood. The attachment formed here will influence the child's future attachments as an adult, and often will become the default if conscious effort is not expended to change it.

Mary Ainsworth, in her seminal study on the development of attachment styles in infancy #citation_needed , observed four different attachment styles. The style that is displayed in infancy often becomes the style an individual displays in their adult relationships. Luckily, once aware of them, an adult can actively work towards a more secure attachment style.

Secure: this is  the 'ideal' attachment style. Children with the Secure Attachment Style become momentarily #check_research distressed when the parent leaves the room, and are comforted when the parent returns. They often develop into adults who possess confidence in their relationships, high self worth, resilience, and who feel loved. This attachment style is the most common, at #percentage at the time of Ainsworth's study, and is more likely to develop in subjects whose needs were met reliably as a child.

Anxious: this is an attachment style marked by insecurity. Children with an anxious attachment style become extremely distressed when their parent leaves the room, and take longer to calm down. This attachment style is common in children who struggled to have their needs met. In adulthood, it often presents as a fear of abandonment, and a resultant behaviour that destabilises the relationship by demanding 'proof' of security through constant reassurance. Often, this is accompanied by a belief that if they stop demanding or receiving reassurance, they will be abandoned, which is sometimes confirmed through their relationships; the partner will pull away, the individual will ask for reassurance, they will freak out over a slight hesitation, and the partner will pull away further in response.  This can be especially difficult when paired with a partner who has an ..

Avoidant attachment style: Avoidant attachment styles are not mutually exclusive with anxious attachment styles. It is entirely possible to display signs of both. A child with an avoidant attachment style may display very few signs of distress when the parent leaves. Once the parent returns, an avoidant child will refuse comfort from them, often avoiding eye contact and pulling away. In adulthood, the avoidant individual rejects comfort, even when they want it, and pushes people away. They are conflict-avoidant, and may pull away when witnessing strong emotional responses. Relationships and closeness may make them feel trapped, and they may respond with independence-seeking and emotional distancing. They often believe that leaving and detaching is the 'right or more mature' course of action, and may have a disdain for strong emotions. This attachment style often comes as a result of a child learning that crying out for help is not effective in getting their needs met, as that child may learn that when overwhelmed or struggling, the safest course of action is to detach and preserve themselves.

Disorganised attachment style: this is the most extreme of the attachment styles. Children with a disorganised attachment style act confused when their parent returns to them. They have a lack of focus, may look around as if they do not know what is happening or how to  receive comfort. They are often unresponsive to the parent's attempt to comfort them, yet display few coping strategies to deal with their discomfort. #adult_presentation_needed

Attachment styles are not set in stone. A person may possess traits of multiple attachment styles, and may experience traits of different attachment styles in different relationships. Understanding attachment styles isn't about putting people into boxes; it's about creating awareness for why they may feel a certain way, and what to do with that feeling. 

Attachment styles should lead to very disparate comforting styles and rules/  grounding? IDK. the safety focus should tend away from the style but it's a lot easier to add boundaries than to tell someone which ones to remove, especially since avoidant types tend to go for more 'realistic/defendable' boundaries. I guess the therapy website is a closed unit where they can be guaranteed to be safe (if im careful enough) but the applications moving outside ...

start with one person? how to identify low stakes situations. slowly explore the space. be realistic about what relationships need? scale small once you're able  to 'lift the veil'. 

People don't have to like every little thing you do, and you don't have to like everything they do. You can still be close / distant; a healthy middle. 